It’s one of the great romance debates: should you date a friend? Some people seem to think the answer to this question is an automatic ‘no.’ You don’t want to risk ruining your friendship, after all. However, while this is certainly a consequence to consider, there’s no reason to immediately discount the prospect of dating a friend. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now, but before we got together, we were friends for about a year and a half. We were close, and he meant a lot to me, so I was worried about starting a romantic relationship. If it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to lose our friendship.
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But he put things pretty simply: we both had feelings for each other, so it seemed silly to miss out on something great just because we were a little nervous. Now, that probably doesn’t apply to every case, but it was true in mine; it goes to show that you should be open to the possibility of a relationship if both of you are interested. However, if you do care about preserving your friendship, there are some questions you should ask yourself and your friend.
You already know each other—pro or con?
In Season 1, Episode 24 of Friends, when Rachel is deciding whether she should go out with Ross, Monica says, 'You know what the best part is? You already know everything about him—it’s like starting on the 15th date!' Which sounds great, but then Phoebe adds, 'Yeah but…it’d be like starting on the 15th date.' There are many factors to consider when deciding if it’s a good idea to transition from a friendship to a romance, but this exchange points to a major one. On one hand, you know that you like this person, and you don’t have to worry about the potentially awkward stage of getting to know them. You’re already comfortable together, which is important in a relationship.
On the other hand, getting to know someone can be exciting, and the fact that you’re already comfortable with each other could possibly take away some passion. I had never dated anyone before my boyfriend, and I personally love that our romance grew out of a friendship, but everyone is different. There’s no right answer, but you should consider both sides, or at least think about the fact that things will be a little different than if you started dating a random person. The difference doesn’t have to be bad—it’s exciting to get to know someone in a new way and be surprised! You might learn things about your new partner that you never knew before; it’s a whole new world. At the same time, small habits and mannerisms that vaguely annoyed you before could stand out more now that you’re probably spending more time with them. The important thing is to be prepared.
What do you both want?
This is an important question, and one that could possibly lead to hurt feelings. If one of you is just looking for a ‘friends with benefits’ situation and the other wants a long-term relationship, things probably won’t go so well. Of course, this is true for any relationship, but it’s especially risky if your friendship is at stake. If one of you ends up really hurt, your friendship may not be able to go back to the way it was. Talk things over with your friend before starting anything new. Are you looking for a fling, or something more serious? What kinds of general boundaries and expectations do you have for a relationship? Do you want an open relationship or monogamy? You don’t have to write up a contract or plan your whole relationship in advance, but make sure you’re roughly on the same page. Luckily for me, both my boyfriend and I were both interested in a more serious and exclusive relationship, and it was a relief once we realized we had the same things in mind.
A word of caution: if you both have an FWB relationship in mind, it may be a bad idea, even though you’re on the same page. Since you probably care for each other, it would be easy for one of you to develop stronger feelings. Maybe you both will, and you’ll have a great story. Or neither of you will, and nothing major will change. But be prepared for the possibility of just one of you wanting something more, because that could end your romantic involvement and maybe even your friendship if your relationship gets ugly or awkward.
Do you trust each other?
If you’re close friends, the answer is hopefully ‘yes.’ But you could be interested in a friend you don’t know as well, or a friend you used to be close to but haven’t seen in a while. In a way, this could be a good thing because you might not be as worried about the consequences of the relationship failing. Still, you also might not get as many of the benefits of dating a friend, like being comfortable with them.
Even if you're close and you feel you can trust them, think about the ways your relationship will change. Have you seen them in a relationship before? It’s fine if you haven’t, but if you have, make sure you haven’t noticed any red flags in their past relationships.
You’ll be more vulnerable with this person than ever. You probably have mutual friends; do you trust your new SO not to divulge everything you say and do, and are you prepared to respect their privacy as well? Make sure you’re truly comfortable being more intimate with them, and with them being more intimate with you. That’s not to say you’re going to go from just friends to passionate lovers in a day (in fact, you should not expect this), but think practically about the probable changes in dynamics, and not just ‘Hooray, I have a crush on my friend and they like me back!’
We both had feelings for each other, so it seemed silly to miss out on something great just because we were a little nervous.
Are you sure?
This may seem like a dumb question, but it’s not. Beware of hurting your friend by conflating platonic feelings for romantic ones. If you’re both lonely and both find the other attractive, it might seem like a good idea to get together, but for the sake of your friendship, don’t start anything new without genuine interest.
All in all, there’s no perfect formula for deciding whether to start dating a friend. Every situation is unique, and you aren’t obligated to follow anyone’s advice (including mine). Think about the questions above, have an honest talk with your friend, and listen to your instincts.
Allison is a rising senior at Hamilton College who loves reading, writing, and animals. She is majoring in Literature and minoring in Psychology, and she plans to go into publishing upon graduation.
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