Marie Mekosh

Summer is approaching, and that means students and graduates will embark on trips, start internships and jobs in new places, or simply return home from college and other programs.  If you’re in a relationship, you may relish the idea of these new experiences but worry about how things will go when you part with your significant other.

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Four years ago, my boyfriend and I said goodbye for the summer after just a year of dating.  I was off to do thesis research in Chile, and he was on his way to teach in New York.  Just a short 5,000 miles apart, right?  No big deal!  Naturally, I worried about how things would go during the three-month separation.  But four years and four periods of long-distance dating later, we are still together and strong as ever.

Long-distance relationships are hard.  There’s no way to sugarcoat it.  Even couples who have been apart multiple times experience the same emotions, anxieties, and struggles as those who are in a long-distance relationship for the first time.  If you’re considering a long-distance relationship, here are some important pointers to keep in mind:

Commitment

Being part of a long-distance relationship takes a lot of work.

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, it can be harder to reach the same level of connection that you experience when you are together.  Instead of a hug and a deep late-night conversation, you have only a pixelated image of your significant other over video chat, a disembodied voice over the phone, or worse, a few words from a text message hastily sent between meetings.

So, before entering into a long-distance relationship, both members of the couple need to be fully committed to making it work.  If you’re not both committed to putting in the effort to sustain a long-distance relationship, then one—or both—of your feelings could get hurt in the process.  It’s important to have an open and honest conversation beforehand to set your expectations and make sure that a long-distance relationship is right for both of you.

Communication

Communication is important in any relationship.  But it’s especially important for couples in a long-distance relationship.

When you’re physically with your significant other, a lot of feelings are shared through small gestures and body movements.  For example, when I’m feeling sad, my boyfriend will notice that my shoulders are slightly slumped and that I’m less talkative than usual, and he’ll ask me what’s wrong.  When we’re apart, it’s more difficult to read these signs.  It’s hard for him to tell whether I’m sending fewer texts because I’m sad or simply because I’m busy.

For this reason, clear and regular communication is essential.

It’s helpful to set up regular times for phone calls or ‘Skype dates’ to ensure that you’re giving each other enough attention.  Each couple is different, so make your calls as frequent or infrequent as you and your significant other feel comfortable with.  But if you see your partner daily right now, don’t expect to be fine with talking just once a week while you’re apart.

You’ll also need to be open about your feelings when you’re apart.  Because those social cues and physical gestures are missing, you’ll have to convey your mental state in words.  If you’re feeling lonely and need more attention from your partner, be sure to talk about it with him or her.  Otherwise, there’s no way for your significant other to know how you’re feeling.  (Seriously, your S.O. can’t read your mind!)

Likewise, it’s important to check in regularly about how your partner is feeling.  Especially if you’re in a male-female relationship, your boyfriend may not feel comfortable sharing his feelings openly.  But he’s just as likely to experience feelings like loneliness, sadness, and frustration in a long-distance relationship.  Be sure to check in occasionally to make sure your partner is getting enough attention and intimacy from you while you’re apart.

Quality time

If you’re lucky enough to see your partner in person while you’re in a long-distance relationship, then make sure that you spend quality time with one another while you are together.  Ditch the phones, turn off the TV, stop checking your work email, and just enjoy the limited time that you have together.

Even if it’s just a phone call, it’s important to treat your conversations as special.  Since your time together is even more valuable in a long-distance relationship, make that time count by being fully present when you talk to or see each other.

Understanding and flexibility

Misunderstandings, miscommunication, and mistakes will happen when you’re apart.  Perhaps you forgot you had plans the same night you have a Skype date with your partner, and you have to change the day.  Perhaps she didn’t text you all day and you’re feeling a little neglected.  Perhaps he assumed you would come visit him when you’re in the next state over on a business trip, but you simply don’t have time between work meetings.  When it comes to a long-distance relationship, it really helps to be understanding and flexible when these kinds of issues arise, because they will!

And if you’re the one being ‘left behind’ in the long-distance relationship, try your best to be understanding and supportive of your partner while he or she is gone.  Even if they’re intended to be jokes, comments like ‘you left me behind’ will erode the relationship over time.  It can be a little sad to hear about all of the new experiences your partner is having while you’re still at home living your day-to-day life, but it’s important to remember that your partner leaving does not negate his or her love for you.

Creativity

Since you can’t go on a traditional date with your partner when you’re in a long-distance relationship, it helps to come up with creative ideas to keep things interesting.  These can be small surprises for your significant other or activities that you plan and do together.

The first time we were apart, my boyfriend surprised me with a beautiful love email (the modern love letter!) updating me on his visit to his family in the Dominican Republic.  It’s still one of my favorite surprises, and it holds a special place in my heart (and my inbox).

You don’t have to be Shakespeare to write a love letter, or especially creative to plan a fun activity with your significant other.  Here are some ideas:

  • Write love letters or emails.
  • Have a ‘movie date’ with your S.O.  Skype each other and click ‘play’ at the same time so that you can watch the movie together—even when you’re apart.
  • Have a coffee or tea date.  Each can bring a cup of coffee or tea to chat with each other over video.  Extra credit if you’re actually in a café!
  • Plan a scavenger hunt in your partner’s city.
  • Play two-person Pictionary or charades over video chat.
  • Send your boyfriend or girlfriend flowers or some other small surprise.

It can be really fun to come up with ideas for how to connect with or surprise your significant other while you’re apart.  You don’t have to plan anything crazy, but putting in a little extra effort will show your partner just how much you care and value him or her.

Coping on your own

It is impossible—and inadvisable!—to try to fill up that little hole in your heart while your significant other is gone.  Unfortunately, the sadness you feel is a natural byproduct of being away from someone you love.

So while you shouldn’t try to replace the connection you had together, it’s important to have a full and active life on your own while you’re separate from your partner.

Instead of hiding out at home alone feeling blue, take the opportunity to foster the other areas of your life you enjoy or have neglected.  Develop some new hobbies, or revive old ones.  Spend time with your friends.  Go out to see a movie or have a nice meal by yourself.  (Seriously, it’s not as weird as it sounds!)

Don’t try to replace your partner with hobbies and new relationships, but do make sure that you are feeling fulfilled in your own life, separate from your significant other.  If you’re feeling confident and emotionally stable in other areas of your life, it will lessen the risk that feelings of loneliness will seep into your relationship and cause resentment.

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If you’re feeling confident and emotionally stable in other areas of your life, it will lessen the risk of loneliness and resentment.

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Remember: It won’t last forever!

An important part of coping with a long-distance relationship is realizing that the long distance will not last forever.  Fortunately, when a loved one leaves for a month, six months, or a year, the reunion will be even sweeter when you see each other again.  It’s helpful to remember that the struggles of a long-distance relationship will end, and it’s worth it if you love your partner.

It’s true that long-distance relationships raise a lot of tensions and anxieties that may have been quiet while you were together.  While this may be a sad and unwelcome thought, I personally would prefer that these negatives be brought out in my relationship sooner rather than later.

Ultimately, if you both invest in your relationship, it will endure the time apart.  Perhaps it will even make you stronger, as the hardships of a long-distance relationship can give you a greater appreciation for your partner.  Plus, it can give you time to truly solidify who you are as an independent person within your relationship.  And when all's said and done, you can return to your relationship with a renewed sense of purpose and a strengthened love for one another.

 

Marie Mekosh is a native of New Jersey, but Boston is her adopted home. She graduated from Harvard College, where she studied Social Studies with a focus on social movements and politics in Latin America. This past year, she spent six months traveling in Mexico, and she documented some of her experiences on her blog www.marieoverseas.com. She has always loved to write and dreams of someday publishing a novel!

 

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