When writing this article, I had to take a step back and realize that not everyone is as paranoid as me when it comes to texting.  However, from my experience all people seem to have similar struggles when it comes to the elusive art of conversing over text or via Facebook message.  I would love to be able to advise you to shut off your phone for a few days and run through some fields with a crown of flowers in your hair, untethered by the shackles of our rapidly modernizing society, but that’s unrealistic.  

I’m not going to bash texting, Facebook messaging, or emails as though these tools are destructive, dehumanizing forces.  They’re useful and there’s a reason we’re all addicted.  Technology improves your efficiency if say, you’re grocery shopping and need to ask your roommate if you have milk or if you’re running late to a meeting or if you see something really funny and want to send someone a picture of it (immediately).  It's easy to feel like the rest of the world is at our fingertips while remaining safe, informed, and connected.

The other day I tried to pinpoint why texting can be so stressful after spending ten minutes with my best friend mulling over what she should respond to a guy who texted her 'how’s your summer going?'  But it was one of those moments (that I’ve had so often with others and especially myself) where you’re wondering – 'Do I ask a question? Is this too long of a text?'  This might come across as overanalyzing.  But considering how frequently people of my generation do this it’s a justifiable paranoia when it comes to the minutiae of texting because we’re trying our hardest to be left with the least What If’s.

The Inner 'What If' Monolgue

'Do I ask a question?  If I don’t ask a question I won’t know if he’s not responding because the conversation is over OR if he’s not responding because he forgot to press send, or forgot about the text, or lost his phone, or despises me like the plague, or is drowning in a well somewhere.' 

And because there is no tone you have no idea how the other person feels, and so you think... 'I should stop asking questions so I can be the one who ends the conversation if need be and I don’t look desperate and clingy and if he responds it’s because he wants to not because I’m requiring it (because God forbid if in this day and age I seem interested.  But that’s a whole other issue).'

And sometimes, you just decide not to respond because you’re tired of having your life ruled by your phone and you want the other party to feel the same way (which is lovely because now there’s that little seed of vindictiveness and score-keeping which we know is so healthy for relationships).  There’s this misguided idea that if you don’t respond you’re in power.   Holy hell when did texting become a war and a contest?

The saddest part is, that with all of this strange digital communication the art of conversation is slowly dying. You must reclaim your person-to-person conversations and prevent texting and messaging from being your only form of communication for these 3 reasons:

A) There is no indication of tone.

We can throw in all of the emoticons, exclamation points, and ellipses we want, but at the end of the day no one’s going to know if you ended your sentence with a period because 1) you’re a stickler for proper grammar or because 2) you’re really, really pissed off and don’t want to talk.  Unless you actually know the habits of who you’re speaking to, it’s confusing.  

Does 'I’m fine…' mean, 1) 'I’m drowning in my own personal ocean of misery and please, dear God, all I need is for you to ask me one more time how I’m doing,” or 2) Does it mean 'why are you speaking to me could you please shove off because I was done with this conversation before it began.'  Is someone finished talking when they send you a stream of emojis because they have nothing better to say, or do they think that one angel fish is really relevant to the conversation?  I have no idea, I cannot see they’re faces or hear they’re voices.

The worst part about not being able to convey tone is exhibited in those horrific threads of Facebook arguments.  Have you ever seen a rude/hurtful comment get called out, but whoever said it just argues 'oh my god, relax, I was just kidding,' and then tries to make the offended person feel like a baby?  Well it’s irritating because then the issue arises – were you actually just kidding and think it’s a funny joke to say women should stay in the kitchen providing you with sandwiches, or are you kind of a misogynist but don’t want to be faulted for that so you try to get out of being responsible for your actions? Either way it keeps me from knowing what kind of person you actually are.

B) Digital conversations are rarely a priority.

In many cases you think, I’ll respond later, and then things get backlogged and you’re responding to a 'hey how’s it going?' three days later when it’s now really awkward and possibly irrelevant.  Or you get distracted and they’re at home on messenger waiting for you to respond while you’re trying to get in one-word replies between running from class to work to homework to sleep.

And I know we want to pretend that with all of these convenient tools and our growing ability to multitask that we can make everything a priority.  But then we end up half-focused on the real life person we’re talking to, thinking we can be polite while also upholding a text conversation with someone else.  It doesn’t work for anyone – I’m sure you’ve realized this if you’ve ever sat down to coffee with someone who spends the entire time talking in half sentences while staring at the phone and saying “umm… Yeah, sorry, one second… Right, what was that again?”

C) A lot of the time, no one really cares.

Does this sound harsh?  My point is – how often do you ask someone 'hey how’s it going?' hoping to actually delve into a meaningful discussion on where they are in life right now?  Unless it’s someone you haven’t seen in months or who lives far away, probably not frequently.  Especially not if you’re asking over text because who has time to tap all of that out?

In digital conversations, 'how are you' is often more of a formality, and if someone asks you don’t know if they sincerely want to know or if they just know that it’s the logical thing to ask before they get to their point.  So at this point we’re all pretty accustomed to saying “fine” or “good” or “sure” rather than actually talking about it because usually if someone genuinely wants to catch up, they’ll call or Skype or ask to see you in person.

Speak to Me

All of this complicated, hyped up, uncertain digital conversation is slowly killing actual conversations.  But maybe it’s time to reappropriate the phone call (because as of now, when my phone rings I’m frantically trying to figure out who died or why I’m in trouble before I consider that maybe someone has good news or just wants to chat.) And yes, maybe that means we’re going to deal with some awkward silences – but when did those become so unspeakably terrifying?  And sure, maybe we’ll have conversations that are only about two minutes long but what’s wrong with that?

I live in a generation of immediate gratification, and I don’t think it’s something we can just reverse.  Instead the solution might be to get more selective with what we expect – even if it means warning people in advance about our particular texting habits.  Digital communication is a breakthrough when it comes to needing a fast response, making plans, asking important questions or reaching out to a wider community and gathering information, we can’t forget that.  In this day and age, we need phones. But we also can’t let it take over our human capabilities of in-person conversation.

In this day and age, we need phones. But we also can’t let it take over our human need of in-person conversation.

And okay, if you’ve read this whole thing and assume I’m an overthinking nutcase, I’ll make one final argument.  I believe laughter is the key to happiness.  Really, it’s what makes it fun to be with people.  But it kind of gets killed in digital interactions.  And it is super weird in text.  Because lol does not mean you’re actually laughing, it usually means Okay I’m Done.  And HAHA better be in response to something damn hilarious or you look ike a maniac.  Hahaha looks sarcastic whereas hahahahahahahahaha is overkill.  Ha is just uncomfortable.  And sometimes you might add in extra h’s to make it seem less mechanical, but then you just end up looking kind of drunk. Hahhahhhahahahha. I rest my case.