Shannon Scheel

It happened on a Sunday morning.

He sat on my couch methodically tying his shoes.  I can still picture his sharp jawline, brow furrowed in concentration.  I knew this face well — it was his expression of intellectual curiosity.  I saw it when he would work on a paper across from me in the library or when philosophical thoughts rose to the surface of his mind and he casually brought them up in conversation.

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I remember asking playfully why he was leaving so soon.  We had the whole day; it was the weekend.  He didn’t return my tone — instead, he sighed deeply, avoiding my eyes.  My stomach dropped.

'I don’t know how else to say this, so I’m just going to say it,' he mumbled quietly.  I was blindsided.  I felt like I'd been shoved in the chest, out of the blue, as if in a boxing match.  My body felt completely numb.  Was I fainting?

A week of confusion, sadness, anger, and puzzling conversations followed and eventually resulted in him leaving my apartment for the last time.  I felt as broken as I ever had in my life.

This piece, however, is not about my ex-boyfriend.  He is a fantastic person in his own right, and I feel confident that in time, he and I will be friends, probably for the better part of our lives.  This piece is also not about our relationship and how or why it ended.  Instead, I want to focus on how strong women cope with the emotional roller coaster of a breakup, emphasizing the idea that grieving the loss of a relationship does not make you 'weak' or any less of a feminist.

I chose to describe the above scene in intimate detail because I think it’s an excellent example of the feminist 'catch 22' that faces 21st century women.  Every woman — straight or any other sexual orientation — has experienced or will experience the feelings of love, loss, and redemption that I felt a few months ago, probably more than once in their lifetime.  And yet each time we’re plagued with the same dilemma.  We’re expected to be strong in our views and act with conviction.  Yet this can sometimes lead to safeguarding emotions that might 'detract' from this image.  As a result, natural human emotions such as sadness or grief are suppressed in favor of retaining a strong front.  I’ll give you an example:

I recall a conversation with my friend from about a year ago, after she and the guy she had been dating abruptly stopped seeing each other.  'I shouldn’t be sad; I don’t have the right to be sad.  We didn’t date for that long, less than a year.'  I hear variations of this phrase in conversation ALL the time with women my age.  I, too, am guilty of it.  Even though I hold true to my feminist beliefs, I found myself in my last relationship constantly shoving my feelings to the side to accommodate my boyfriend, citing his stress and busy schedule as justification for not adequately addressing my emotions.  In essence, I 'reasoned' myself out of feeling the way I felt, and I suffered tremendously as a result.

Under what circumstances do we place limitations on what we should feel vs. not feel?  The feminist language that preaches inner strength and fortitude is also the same one that discourages us from allowing ourselves to feel the full span of emotions.  And, as strong independent women navigating the realm of relationships, the need to 'forget about it and move on' becomes the focus, rather than tending to our wounds.  While I do agree that 'confidence is key,' it shouldn’t be a defense mechanism that prevents someone from treating their emotional wounds, however big or small.

So...where do we go from here?  How can we work as a community of women to complement these two vital areas of ourselves — our wonderful human ability to love, lose, grieve, and move on, while simultaneously nurturing our inner 'wonder woman?'  (Not to be corny, but I can’t help myself — Gal Gadot was amazing in that movie.)

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While 'confidence is key,' it shouldn’t be a defense mechanism that prevents someone from treating their emotional wounds, however big or small.

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Don’t reason yourself out of your feelings.

I cannot stress this enough.  Your emotions are a powerful tool that, while painful sometimes, will allow you to fully move on after feeling their full cycle.  I almost equate the loss of a relationship to a death: an incredibly significant part of your life has died, and it deserves to be mourned.  There is no way you should or shouldn’t feel — justifying yourself out of this time to grieve is a disservice to your mental wellbeing and takes away your power.

Talk it out, but don’t obsess.

While we all need to express our grievances to our resident girl squads and receive positive reinforcement, obsessing over the details of a breakup will get you nowhere.  I immediately think of Carrie Bradshaw rambling about Mr. Big’s and her demise to the point where the other Sex and the City girls have to stage an intervention.  Your friends are your friends, not your therapists, and it’s your inner feminist’s job to learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.  Hurt and loss are two of the most painful feelings known to human nature, but continuing your life through them will allow you to remain present despite the anguish.

Remember that a relationship is always about two people.

As women, we’re oftentimes quick to blame ourselves when relationships end.  What could I have done better?  Where did I go wrong?  This is the WRONG way to think.  Regardless of who ended the relationship, or how it ended, two people are involved.  No one is completely innocent, and no one is completely at fault.  It’s the nature of a relationship — it takes two to tango.  Dwelling on past mistakes instead of paying it forward is draining and unproductive.

Learn about yourself and grow as a result.

I firmly believe that every relationship teaches you something you previously didn’t know about yourself.  Whether that be how you express love or how you compromise/work with others, lessons we learn in relationships can be applied to all areas of our lives.  Through my most recent breakup, for example, I came to realize that I want to be more forthcoming about smaller things that bother me in the moment, and not wait for one big event to voice all of my concerns.  This is something I’m going to keep in mind for future relationships, but also in the context of work relationships, familial relationships, and beyond.

For further reading: If you’re seeking additional insight, head over to my friends at Headspace for an extended list of empowering techniques to move forward without dampening your emotional value.

 

Comments (1)

  1. Meagan Hooper

You're absolutely right Shannon. Taking time to feel and heal is essential not only in break-ups, but throughout our relationships. Being a feminist doesn't mean we shouldn't sit have vulnerability in our relationships!

 
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