Emily

“I like him, he's a great guy and we have fun together, but I just don't know if he's the one...”  How many times have you heard a distraught girlfriend say this?  Maybe you've said the same thing before, I know I have (more than once).  Whether or not you believe in soul mates, everyone has to decide at some point in the course of a relationship if they want to spend the rest of their lives with their significant other.

People will tell you many different ways to know if he's the one, but often times the reasons are superficial or even shallow.  My favorite one is 'find someone you have a lot in common with.'  The problem with this indicator is that it doesn't take into account that people change and what they like now may change later.  For example, you and your significant other may love to play basketball together and it's the way you connect.  Whose to say your loved one won't get an injury that prevents them from playing ever again?  Then what do you do?  

I would like to suggest there are ways to know if he's the one that are A) more practical, B) more dependable, and C) more wise.  As a disclaimer, my opinion on this subject is heavily influenced by author Timothy Keller's philosophy that marriage is not about making you happy, but about making you a better person and if you can adopt this mindset a byproduct will be a sense of happiness.  In his book, The Meaning of Marriage, he outlines 3 key characteristics to look for in finding the one. 

3 Signs to Know if He's the One #bsmart

As a recently married woman myself, I couldn't agree more with the 3 signs to know if he's the one:

1) If he's your best friend...then he is the one

This may seem obvious, but a surprising number of relationships begin only based on mutual physical attraction.  There is nothing wrong with being attracted to each other, in fact I would advise you only marry someone you are attracted to.  However, beauty fades and bodies eventually sag, but what remains?  Friendship.  Finding someone who you genuinely like being around and doing things with makes life that much more enjoyable and will make all of the other areas of your relationship easier to deal with.  I dated a man who wasn't really my best friend and the romance was lovely, but the day to day couple things we did together were boring, to say the least.

I compare this to my relationship with my new husband, Isaac, who was a very very good friend for nearly 3 years before we began dating and the difference in our relationship is amazing.  Not only do I love going on dates with him, kissing him, but I also have a blast just going to the grocery store, working in the yard, going to rehearsal with him (we're both actors) and something I wish for everyone.  I'm not saying you have to know someone for years to be their best friend - even if you're in a romantic relationship now you can continue to grow your friendship to where you are best friends. But, it's a choice you have to make and then live out.

2) If you can solve problems together...then he is the one

This is so important! I can't stress this enough.  It's not a major issue if you have disagreements with your loved one - a lot of marriage counselors say conflict is a sign of a healthy relationship because it shows you care about the relationship.  But the difference with harmful and hurtful arguments is how you handle them when they do come.  I've learned solving problems together means that when an issue does comes up, both people feel they can share their thoughts and feelings freely and both parties can come to a compromise.

Often in relationships one person has a stronger personality and a 'compromise' is really just the weaker person giving up and saying, 'fine have it your way!' In a loving and mutually respectful relationship both parties will solve the problem TOGETHER. This is a learning process you can get better at.  Isaac and I have had to learn this as well.  We find it is easy to ignore a problem and instead of solving it together we try to deal with it on our own.  This is a great way to unintentionally hurt each other.  If you and your significant other can acknowledge a problem, then that is the first step to solving it. Once you discuss the problem and find a fair solution, I promise you, the intimacy you'll feel is worth the struggle to solve the problem. Having a spouse that wants to solve problems with you will be a life long blessing.

3) If he is a good slab of marble...then he is the one

A good slab of marble?  What in the world does that mean?  In his book The Meaning of Marriage Timothy Keller likens people to slabs of marble.  Before a great sculpture is created it's merely a slab of marble.  As an artist hammers away at the marble, chips began to fall off and little by little a masterpiece is formed.  Keller suggest this is what marriage should be, a constant chipping away of selfish and ugly intentions in your heart in order to create something beautiful.  Some people, however, don't allow themselves to even be hammered on.  Maybe you know this person.   They're proud, stuck in their ways, or think their way is the only way and give no room for change.  If you marry someone like this, your life may be full of frustration and hurt, but if you see humility in your significant other then he's a good slab of marble and probably the one.  

My new husband, Isaac, is the most humble man I know.  He is never too proud to say he's made a mistake, or to ask for forgiveness and once forgiven he makes an effort to change the behavior that caused the hurt in the first place.  To know if your significant other is the one, remember - they don't have to be perfect, but they have to be a good slab of marble.

I don't believe there's one right way or wrong way to date and get marry.  I know a couple who dated for years, got married, and shortly after divorced, I know a couple that met and married within one month of knowing each other and have been married for 41 years. Everyone has their own story and timeline, but for me these 3 signs to know if he's the one were worth considering before I said “I DO!” 

 

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