Amina

  Yes, it’s true. Far too often “love” is characterized as a kind of sacrilegious attack on female independence—a symbiotic trade of sorts. So in a world that conceptualizes a working wife as an absent wife, where does that leave love on the larger spectrum of female milestones?

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For years, I’ve conceptualized my love life as a kind of Carrie Bradshaw Tell All.  I’d travel the world with numerous “Big’s” in my back pocket and a trendy designer wardrobe all of which would be questionably funded by a professional writer’s salary.  Much to my dismay, it seems the majority of the “Bigs” in this world aren’t worth holding onto and my designer budget went bust after one obscenely disparaging trip to the Jimmy Choo Outlet. (Yes, they exist and yes, it is where dreams go to die).

Now one lease and fifty loads of laundry later, I make up one half a two-year relationship, a life I never pictured myself living in my twenties.  And while I do love my boyfriend and all of the experiences we have shared in our first year out of college, as a woman raised by quite possibly the strongest minded mother on this side of the Mississippi, I have consistently struggled to reconcile my independence with the dependency that is so often propagandized as a crucial aspect of the “white picket fence” illusion.

But as is true with any relationship, mindset is key.  While my independence is assuredly alive and well, I have found in our one year of cohabitation that like anything else, independence evolves over time.  Yea, maybe my days of impromptu weekend vacays and weeklong obsessions with healthy fruit cleanses are a bit more premeditated, but I’m willing to count them as minor losses to a greater good.  So for all of my independent ladies out there, here are 4 mindset resets that have allowed me to not only maintain my independence but develop a fulfilling relationship along the way:  

1) Not All Questions Are Accusations

With popular media transforming the female biological clock into an open debate, it seems there’s no right answer for the career versus family interrogation.  Hence, we’re either money hungry baby haters or un-ambitious people pleasers. Granted, society is slowly approaching the notion that women can indeed manage both, but what of the women who don’t want to?  Independence is reflected in your ability to openly express what it is you need from your partner.  However, there exists a fine line between self-expression and outright preaching.  Your partner may need a little help along the way understanding the need for 2 hour vent seshes with your college gal pals or the importance of romantic surprise, so cut him some slack and remember that not all questions are accusations; sometimes he really is just asking.

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Independence is reflected in your ability to openly express what it is you need from your partner.

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2) Compromising is not losing

Anytime you welcome someone into your life, especially a romantic partner, compromises are part of the package deal.  One of the biggest lessons I had to learn in transitioning from separate quarters to a shared home, is that compromising while it may mean sacrificing something you want is, overall, a positive gain.  Compromise is a shared agreement, and as long as you feel that you are an equal contributor to this shared agreement, I’d say you’ve found yourself a keeper.  Independence and “doing whatever you want” are two very different things.

3) Own Your Decisions

At the end of the day the best way to preserve your independence is by owning the choices you do make moving forward.  Often times, power struggles are results of un-claimed baggage on one or both sides of a relationship.  Accept the fact that your decisions may not always be understood or, in some cases, validated by your partner.  There are many things you can control in this world; another’s reaction is not one of them.  Own what is important to you and allow your partner the same courtesy.

4) Plan on having no plan at all

The idea that women need to plan out their lives is a myth that has been perpetuated time and time again by a billion dollar wedding industry.  I should know, I’m a caterer!  Whether it’s leasing an apartment outside of your budget or a flash mob marriage proposal in Times Square, pressuring your partner into major life decisions for the sake of following a ‘plan’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  You may not always be calling the shots, but that’s the beauty of a relationship - sometimes your only responsibility is to take a step back and enjoy the ride.  

From bachelorette parties to cat lady syndrome there exists a cultural complex that would suggest the co-existence of female independence and love to be a tumultuous combination.  But as someone who’s been there, I have to say that my independence has continued to grow and flourish right alongside my relationship.  And trust me, in a studio apartment with one bathroom it ain’t always pretty, but it has definitely been worth more than my while.

So when asked if I ever want to get married, if I’m the type of woman who wants to have kids, or if I am defined by the status of my relationship? Simply put: yes and no. Each phase of life will come with it's own fair of choices and dilemmas but when it comes to love and independence, well let's just say, I'm opting for all of the above.

 

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