Sara Klimek

I was fifteen the first time I walked into a lingerie store.  My mother and I, in support of local businesses, went on a mother-daughter shopping date to Zoe & Co. in search of better fitting bras and well-fitting underwear.  I was astonished by the padded underwear that they had on sale; the inserts on the center of the butt and on the sides of the hips were advertised to ‘give you the curves of your dreams.’

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After looking at my comparatively-flat rear, I grew curious (no shame in that) and decided I had to try one on.  I stared at myself in the mirror for a solid ten minutes, flexing my legs to see what my best angle was with the padded panties.  They were ugly in comparison to the other pretty panties, with hues of blue and pink.  These panties went down to the middle of my thigh and pushed in the small flap of skin at the bottom of my stomach, making me feel like I was being constrained into a tiny torture device.  

‘How do they feel?’ my mom asked from the dressing room next to mine.  ‘Okay.’ I replied, rubbing my hands across the spandex-like material.  I put on my jeans, and then turned around to see how my butt looked with the pads. It was bulker than before, but looked like I shoved cotton balls in my jeans.  ‘I don’t think they’re my size.’

Even three years later, I still struggle to feel comfortable in my own skin.  Some days, I wake up and my stomach looks bloated so I wear a baggy shirt to cover it up.  Other days, my acne pokes out, so I put on an extra layer of foundation.  But no matter what I do, my butt always seems to stay the same: flat.  Never in my life did I think that I would be bullied, both by myself and by others, into thinking that only the roundest and most protruding butts are beautiful.  When I was in high school, one of my peers unofficially voted me 'flattest ass in the senior class,' a statement that emphasized how, even in a school that 'discouraged' bullying, students still managed to tear each other apart.  Even if I knew that the comment was a reflection of her poor character, it doesn’t mean that I was immune to the self-consciousness that came with it.

The standard of beauty has changed drastically over time; fifty years ago, we criticized women for having small breasts, large waists, and yes, big butts.  Media outlets capitalized on our vision of what we thought was beautiful by making dolls of pale complexion and ‘unrealistic’ proportions while companies like Victoria’s Secret only used models under a size four.  There was a time that you didn’t see curvy women, especially women of color, on television or in film.  Over time, pictures of stick-figure models have been replaced with ones of Kim Kardashian and Nikki Minaj and their iconic asses.

So, is it shame on me for criticising a society that has become, with time, more accepting to ‘larger’ women, and asking how we set standards for what kind of ‘larger’ is better?  Or is it shame on me for asking clothing companies to make clothes with generous waist sizes AND less fabric on the butt, so I don’t have to feel bad when my pants sag in public?  I’d argue that as a society, we’ve catered our likings to women with 'junk in all the right places,' instead of women who don’t fit into conventional sizing charts.  This theory, rooted in the sexual appeal of big asses, makes those with undesirable asses feel... small.

This clearly comes as a tradeoff.  If I say that I support women with small butts, how is that going to make women who can’t help their large butts feel?  In short, I’m just saying that it wouldn’t be bad if we didn’t set a ‘status quo’ for women based on their butt size.  I admit to glancing at the butts of women in the gym, around campus, and at the supermarket, not for sexual purposes, but just as food for thought. I’ve watched girls in the gym struggle to build their glute muscles and others that try to press away the tiny instance of cellulite on their thighs.  After all, body image issues are not confined to any particular shape.

But why are our attacks on others catered towards those with different body shapes?  Is it because of jealousy and insecurity? I ask that of the girl I went to high school with who unofficially voted me ‘flattest ass in the senior class.’  I see it every time I open my Twitter feed and find a post that says ‘open for a surprise’ with a picture of a white girl with a butt that conforms to every crevice of her bikini.  I feel it when I walk into the dressing room at a local store and see a sticker that said ‘if you want to see how your butt looks in those pants, there’s a three-way mirror on your left.’  I can’t help but feel bad about myself when I’m constantly exposed to outlets that enforces that ‘x’ body type is the only way to go.

I’m a multisport athlete and go to the gym almost every day.  I’m physically as healthy as I have ever been.  As whiny as this sounds, why wasn’t I blessed with a butt that would make men drop to their knees in front of me?  Why can’t I just have this one thing that would make me the fairest lady of them all?

I asked my mom after our trip to the lingerie shop about why my butt was so small.  Rather than telling me to ‘work harder,’ she just shrugged and said, ‘Flat butts run in the family.’  Great. So no matter how many squats I do, or how many times I tell myself ‘only two more reps,’ all of my efforts will be negligible in the grand scheme of things.

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When I was in high school, one of my peers unofficially voted me 'flattest ass in the senior class.'

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I will, without a doubt, continue to be self-conscious about the shape of my rear.  It would be fair to say that if I was in the Glee episode where the club wrote their insecurities on their shirts, I would have ‘FLAT ASS’ sprawled across the front of my breasts for the world to see.  I’m flat in a lot of areas besides the rear-department; I can’t sing and I spend way too much time rewatching episodes of Arrested Development. No matter what way I try to flex it, though, my butt will always be my biggest insecurity.

I’d like to think that I don’t need to have society’s validation of my beauty standards.  But how do you shut off the cyclical toxicity of exposure to things that acknowledge your desirable features and make you feel good about yourself, but simultaneously enforce your other imperfections?  It’s ambiguous, to say the least.  I don’t have an answer.

All I can do is hope that one day, I won’t have to arch my back when I take a mirror selfie to show off my butt.  And I hope that one day, my daughter won’t have to worry about finding people that encourage her to love the body that she has.  Cheers to all of the women who can’t find a pair of pants that conform to their bodies and those with butts that aren’t ‘in’ pop-culture.  I’m right there with you.

 

Sara is a freshman at the University of Vermont with an environmental studies major.  She plans on going to environmental law school following graduation.

Comments (3)

  1. Meagan Hooper

I love your way with words Sara! Can't wait to read what you share next!

 
  1. Angelina Eimannsberger

Thank you for being proud and sharing your story so generously <3 <3 <3

 
  1. Andrea Rice

Thank you so much for sharing this Sara! I'm so sorry you have had to go through this! I struggled with my body image my whole life as well and now that I have a 10 year old daughter my whole perspective has changed. She has been bullied at...

Thank you so much for sharing this Sara! I'm so sorry you have had to go through this! I struggled with my body image my whole life as well and now that I have a 10 year old daughter my whole perspective has changed. She has been bullied at school this year and the most recent joke was about her size. The cruelty and warped perspective of humanity blows my mind. The fragility of our hearts and minds is now my focus as a parent to work on with my kids. I want them to know that while taking care of yourself is necessary, their hearts, words, and actions are what matter most. I've been working with my daughter on dressing in a way that makes her heart soar and her confidence remain unwavering. It has been a tough journey but there have been so many incredible victories along the way just by being vulnerable with each other.

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