Alyssa Rogan

‘Hey Alyssa, your voice box is broken.’

These were the words uttered by a certain boy named Kyle when we were just eight years old, skittering across the parking lot during recess one chilly afternoon in third grade.  Needless to say, I went home crying that day.  Although nearly fifteen years have passed, I still have a vivid memory of what had happened, but more importantly, I remember how it made me feel. 

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He said it because I didn’t speak—not to anyone.  Not to my teachers or my peers.  I spoke to my nuclear family—my parents and my siblings—but I didn’t speak to my grandfather or several of my cousins, aunts, and uncles.  At a young age I was diagnosed with Selective Mutism, which is just as self-explanatory as it sounds.  Contrary to the opinion of my parents’ friends, it wasn’t a ploy for attention, nor an act of rebellion from a spoiled child, or making up for childhood trauma.  

It was a severe case of a little-known anxiety disorder, its definition refined as recently as the mid 90s.  Despite its relative ‘newness,’ my parents still signed me up for counseling when I was about nine.

There is a lot I could say about my journey through childhood with Selective Mutism, but to capture it in a few words—it was absolutely debilitating.  Paralyzing.  Regretful, I watched other kids chat, play games, crack jokes, take risks.  Meanwhile I remained on the sidelines, my anxiety and passivity prohibiting me from fully being myself—whoever that was.  Thankfully, it was something I slowly grew out of as I continued to engage in social activities with other kids, including the return to the same private school after having been homeschooled in fifth and sixth grade.

The reason I wanted to share a tidbit of my story is to let you know that if you’re shy, I understand.  I understand what it feels like to have words stuck in the back of your throat.  I understand what it feels like to feel trapped inside of yourself.  I understand what it feels like to fear the sound of your own voice, simply because you seldom use it.

Whether you have something similar to Selective Mutism, are shy, or simply lack confidence, below are some of the things that helped me outgrow my social anxiety.

1) Practice Expressing Yourself in Other Mediums

I was about nine when my mom gave me a Hello Kitty journal, complete with a little lock and key.  She encouraged me to write about my feeling and process my thoughts.  I didn't begin journaling consistently until I was about thirteen, but I learned a lot about myself during those formative years.  Not only did I develop a love for writing, but I grew keen at defining my emotions and analyzing my thoughts.  This was especially important for me, since I didn't begin speaking publicly until the age of eleven.  Slowly, my comfort in social situations increased, and by eleven I found that I was ready.  Despite my newfound confidence, I remained shy through my middle and high school years.  I still held back from truly being myself.

It doesn’t have to be writing, but find some way to practice expressing yourself artistically if you feel anxious in social situations.  All of those emotions and insecurities need to go somewhere, so find a way to channel them.  This may manifest itself through painting, singing, drawing, or some other creative medium.  And who knows, maybe you’ll tap into some hidden talent and discover a new passion!

2) Use Your Strengths: The Power of Observation

When I was in eighth grade, I started an ‘observation journal.’   This entailed sitting in the corner of the classroom and writing down my observations about what was going on around me, particularly the behavior of my classmates.   I learned a lot about body language that year, in addition to how boys and girls socialize . It was like I was learning social skills vicariously! I didn’t even have to worry about making social blunders and starting drama—there was plenty of that going on around me and boy, was it entertaining.

How can you incorporate the power of observation into your preferred medium of art?   For example, sitting down to paint a landscape requires soaking up all the colors around you, memorizing the texture of the grass, the slant of the shadowy mountains.

3) Be Curious

In order to be observant, we must first be curious.  As a writer, I’ve always been interested in body language but also the complexity of the individual.  In seeking to understand both these topics, I’ve steadily learned how to put them into written words.  There are few things I enjoy more than people-watching.

Through your art, discover what makes you curious.  What are you interested in learning about?

4) Ask Questions

Naturally, this leads into the next topic: asking questions.

How does the time of day affect the shade of my landscape?

Did that boy tug on her hair because he’s mad at her?  Trying to get her attention? Likes her?

What lead to that girl’s decision to dye her hair hot pink?  Rebelliousness? Boredom?

Being observant and asking questions helps us to engage with the world around us, even if it’s not directly social engagement yet.

5) Look Outward, Not Inward

All the tips I’ve listed lead up to this one, easily the most important: looking outward and not inward.  By being observant, curious, and asking questions, you are already halfway there—but now we will put these skills to use in social situations themselves.

Often, self-consciousness distracts us from initiating with people.  What if my hair looks bad right now? What if I have something in my teeth?  What if they notice I’m awkward? What do I say? What if they don’t like me?

Do you notice a trend in these questions?  They’re all self-centered.  Let’s instead turn the conversation to the other person.  What about them makes you curious?

What does your tattoo mean?

You always have the cutest outfits! Where do you shop?

What kind of music do you listen to?

Most people love talking about themselves, trust me.  Wouldn’t you love it if people were interested in knowing these things about you?  The more curious you are about the other person, the less time you’ll have to think about yourself and how self-conscious you feel.  The other person will also perceive you as more genuine.

Need help initiating a conversation?  Author Kio Stark wrote a fabulous book called 'When Strangers Meet.'  In this short book, Stark emphasizes the importance of incorporating conversations with strangers in our everyday lives.  In one chapter she discusses the ‘triangulation’ technique.  It includes you, your conversation partner, and the context you share—or perhaps an object.  Like I mentioned, it could be his or her tattoo, it could be the weather, it could be the baby she’s holding or the dog he’s walking. Find some way to comment on an aspect you physically share in that particular context.

Your dog is so cute! What’s the breed?

Your daughter has a beautiful smile. What’s her name?

6) Being socially apt takes lots of practice, so go easy on yourself!

If this all sounds overwhelming to you, don’t worry!  It’s taken me years to get where I am right now socially.  I still have my moments of anxiety, where I revert to my same childhood fears, but you know what?  I became captain of the cheerleading squad and the volleyball team my senior year of high school.  I became that girl in college who sat down with random groups of people in the cafeteria, who left the door to my room open so my hallmates could come wandering in whenever they wanted to chat (years of silent observation has made me a great listener!).

You have so much to offer people!  When you choose to believe this about yourself, you’ll have the strength to shake the shyness.

 

Alyssa Rogan earned her degree in writing from Houghton College, a small, liberal arts college in western New York.  A native of Rochester, NY, she dreams of one day being a published author of contemporary YA literature. Other than writing she loves reading, working out, baking, thrift shopping, the Buffalo Bills, and all things ‘90s.  Follow her on instagram at @alyssa_rogan.

 

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